Brendon Etter; A Play A Day

When in the course of my often superhuman events, I can lose track of the simple things and people in the world. The glory of a sporting spectacle like the Olympics reminds me of how meaningless this mayoral contest seems when compared to the valor of amateur athletic competition of such magnificent caliber. Often I feel as if the Olympics inspire me often nearly as much as I do. They don't

Video! You've heard of that, right? It's all over the Inter Wide Compu Web! I do not have the time to explain how it works, but I swear that I'm moving(!) in the little picture window on my computer machine! This is called "video," or, more scientifically, "compuvideopictureshow." It's real! It's here! It's me! Thanks to a visibly distraught, nearly terrified, Bonnie Obremski, and her

In Northfield today, improbably gorgeous leading write-in mayoral candidate, Brendon Etter, shocked the world. He has fired long-time campaign adviser, strategist and mini-golf enthusiast, Britt Ackerman, LLC, TNT, ICUP, in a shake up of his dominant candidacy. "Britt just wasn't working out any longer," a brave Etter reported. "Sure, our campaign is trouncing the others, we have no chance of

Dear Citizen Units of Northfield, My love for all in my realms is storied in the generations of men and animals who have been kissed by my majestical majesty. I married my wife more than sixteen years ago. It has been uninterrupted, unstinting bliss for more than one-quarter of those years for almost half of us. Lately, however, a new girl has caught my eye. Her name is Democracy. Democracy

While I've duly established that I have bountiful love for all of my creatures, there are people that I find it necessary to hate. I know all too well that hate paralyzes society's present and condemns its future; so I hate, not out of hate, but instead out of animus, extreme disrespect, and generalized loathing. I steer clear of hate, except when absolutely vital to serve my interests and

Brendon Etter, the embarrassingly gifted and sparkling leading write-in candidate for Northfield mayor, today released an official cologne to complement his award-winning campaign. "I am just so excited to be putting this new scent on the market. It tested so well in our focus groups that we actually were able to charge focus group participants just for the opportunity to smell it," related

While I have certainly and unambiguously filed a third lawsuit against the City of Northfield for the failure of a select few to apologize for potentially not voting for me, I am today announcing a willingness to generously extract that lawsuit if I can get sincere apologies from those holdouts. I offer this opportunity to all of you so that you might all see the benefit in persuading our

Dear Simple Citizens of Northfield, For thousands of years, men have visited Northfield and stared in wide-eyed amazement at the vast power of the Cannon River as it rushes past between its east and west banks. All these men have yearned for one thing: sex with strangers. Most of them have also yearned for a ramp and a motorcycle powerful enough to hurl themselves across the majesty of its

Citing "intransigent idiocy" on the part of Northfield voters, Brendon Etter, through his attorney, aide-de-camp and ping-pong strategist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, S&M, PYT, issued a third lawsuit against the city on behalf of his write-in mayoral campaign. "Do they know how much harm they are causing themselves," a visibly dumbfounded Etter queried rhetorically while hovering seventeen feet above

Frequently, in this campaign, people bother me with questions about the things which trouble their little minds. I take these concerns seriously. It's hard not to, people really look up to my extreme beauty and intelligence. Being exceptional can drag most people down, but not me. When I feel burdened by my amazingness, I simply look at the person asking me the important question and remember

In an effort to remind voters that he is completely on their side whatever side they might be on, eternally delightful, charming and pulchritudinous leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, today introduced "voter-friendly" position statements. Campaign spokesperson, legal adviser, and current croquet circuit seasonal points leader, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NRBQ, WMD, described the

It has come to my handsome attention that I am amassing a political power base in Facebrook. Facebrook is a small town of which few people have ever heard. In the land of Facebrook, children run free, animals are well-behaved yet wild, food is plentiful, parents are happy and filled with love, the populace wants for nothing and stands for something. I can change that. After winning the